SchoolGirl by Osamu Dazai

hyper-fixation and emptiness.

Recently I read a translation of the Japanese novella “SchoolGirl” . It was written by Osamu Dazai in 1939, in post-war Japan.It's crazy how a middle-aged man managed to catch and express what a teenage girl feels. The novella is about a simple day in the life of a schoolgirl and believe me when I tell you i have never related to anything more.

It perfectly describes what I feel on a daily basis. Emptiness. The protagonist feels like a bottomless pit, a void from the moment she wakes up. It's this feeling of never feeling whole, the feeling that something is missing is what the protagonist and I share. To escape this feeling of emptiness I cope by hyper fixating on things. I thought this was normal but I realized it was not. Not everyone would hyper fixate on a show, artist, book or activity till the point they are completely consumed by it. Hyper fixation is my way of escaping from reality, finding a purpose. My favorite hyper fixation is music. It has been for a long time. I tend to hyper fixate on a genre of a music or an artist to the point it's the only type of I media I consume. I put up posters in my room, change my wallpaper to my favorite artist, and post the music  on my Instagram story. I would eventually grow to lose interest in about 6 months, sometimes I would even grow to hate the thing I obsessed over for such a long time. The peak time of my hyper fixations was 2020 to early 2022. The covid years, everyone went a little bit crazy. I had a lot of time on my hands, had a lot of thoughts so to escape these thoughts I would hyper fixate. These obsessions with music, books, tv shows and movies was just a way for me to find comfort. In a way, I felt like I belonged somewhere. The feeling is very temporary ofcourse, it also confuses me alot but at least it distracts me from my thoughts which is all that I were looking for. 

 “ I'll read one book and be completely wild about it—I'll trust it, I'll assimilate it, I'll sympathize with it, I'll try to make it a part of my life. Then, I'll read another book and, instantly, I'll switch over to that one. The sly ability to steal someone else's experience and recreate it as if it were my own is the only real talent I possess.”

Dazai Osamu, SchoolGirl

Going back to the book now. There are many instances in the book when the narrator, the Schoolgirl, is just an observer, a person in the background, an extra in a movie.The feeling of belongingness is lacking. She often found herself being extremely mean and judgmental of other people, although she would not say anything out loud. She was also taken aback by the thoughts in her head. In a way, I understand her honestly. I am not consciously trying to be critical about everything, it's just that in my head there is this constant voice that's criticizing my every move that usually extends on to other people. Not that I would say anything I ever think out loud ever.

Although my head is constantly filled with thoughts to the point I have to distract myself with something so that no thought occurs I cannot help but feel empty. This is something that the schoolgirl and I share, this is why when I read the book I thought I was reading an excerpt out of my own life. The Schoolgirl yearns for a feeling of belongingness and happiness that hasn't found her yet. Still every night she goes to sleep in the hope that happiness will come to her.

“Tomorrow will probably be another day like today. Happiness will never come my way. I know that. But it's probably best to go to sleep believing that it will surely come, tomorrow it will come. You wait and wait for happiness, and when finally you can't bear it any longer, you rush out of the house, only to hear later that a marvelous happiness arrived the following day at the home you had abandoned, and now it was too late. Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late. Happiness...”

Dazai Osamu,SchoolGirl